Blonde Jokes:

(Click on more more jokes to return to the main jokes page or main site to browse 70 topics ranging from exotic kaleidoscope designs to the strange world of lucid dreaming.)

 

Blonde Computer User

Question: ..How can you tell when a blonde has been using a computer?

Answer: ..There's white-out all over the screen.

 

At The Doctor's Office

A gorgeous young redhead went into a doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" the doctor said. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her hip and screamed. Then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

A Blonde Wins

A blonde walked into the Bank of New York City and asked for the loan officer. She explained him that she's going to Europe on vacation for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The loan officer said the bank requires some sort of security for the loan.

The blonde offered him the keys to a brand new Rolls Royce. The car was parked in front of the bank and the loan officer inspected it and it's registration. Everything was in order so the bank he accepted the car as collateral and gave the blonde $5,000.

As she left, everyone in the bank started snickering at her for using a $250,000 car to secure a $5,000 loan. After the laughter died down, the loan officer got into the Rolls and parked it in the bank's underground parking lot.

Two weeks later the blonde returned and paid back the loan as well as the interest, which was $15.41.

As she handed over the money the loan officer said, "Miss, the bank was very happy to do business with you but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked your credit standing and found out that you are a millionaire several times over. Why then would you bother to take out a loan for $5,000?"

The blonde smiled and replied, "Where else in New York could I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I returned?"

 

The Blonde Takes the Bet

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and looked up at the TV over the bar. The 10:00 o'clock news was on covering a story about a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a ten story building.

The blonde looked at Homer and says, "Do you think he will jump?"

Homer said, "You know, I bet he will."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the man on the ledge did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to Homer saying: "All is fair. Here's your money."

Home replied, " I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde nodded her head, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

 

Blonde Carpenters

Becky and Sally Ann were two blondes doing carpentry work on a house.

Becky, who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Sally Ann sighed and shook her head, "Becky, those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

 


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

 

I'M BLONDE, NOT STUPID!

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me....... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.

 
RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

 

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, he trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

 

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

 

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

FINAL EXAM

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

 

Blonde Kidnapper

A blonde woman with financial troubles decided to kidnap a child and demand ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:

"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a paper bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde"

She pinned the note to the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note:

"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

 

 
Blonde missing something

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other, and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the blonde a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

 

 

 

 

 

Blonde Painter

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband: "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied. "And I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"By the way," the blonde added. "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

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