THE FUNNIEST STORIES I'VE EVER HEARD:
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A bachelor invited his mother over for dinner so he could introduce her to his two new dogs. During dinner she cringed at how dirty the dishes looked. The son shrugged and said, "Sorry mom. They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
She winced but ate the meal anyway, noticing that inspite of the plates the dinner turned out to be delicious.
After the meal her son carefully placed the plates on the floor and called out, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
A husband ran into his house. "I've found a great new job," he exclaimed to his wife. "The pay is incrediable, they offer free medical insurance and give three weeks vacation!"
"That's sounds wonderful," his wife said.
"I'm glad you think so," he replied. "You start tomorrow."
Helping the Boss
A young executive was preparing to leave the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"This a very sensative and important document," the CEO exclaimed. "My secretary has gone home, can you work this thing for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the "start" buttom.
As the machine pulled the document into it's opening the CEO said, "I only need one copy."
A Little Irish Humor
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where abouts in Ireland are ya from ?
The other woman answers, 'I'm from St. John's , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us ! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self.'
About this time, a man walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to him, shaking his head and muttering, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
The man gives him a quizzical look, 'Why do you say that?'
The bartender explaims, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
The following comes from the British comedian Dave Allan. Much of the humor derived from the genius of his delivery but here it is in text. This is the funniest joke I have ever heard. Some visualization is required. I hope you enjoy it.
One bright summer day an attractive young lady, very much the debutante, went up on the roof of her London hotel for some sun bathing. She laid down in a likely spot but noticed that in a few minutes the shadow of a neighboring building began to cover her legs. She sat up and looked around for a better location. Off to her right was a large flat area that couldn't be overlooked so she moved to it. She turned around slowly and noticed that no one was in sight. She smiled and proceeded to remove her bathing suit top, then her suit bottom, laid face down, draped a towel across her rump, and drifted off to sleep.
Some time later she woke and opened her eyes to see a pair of brightly-polished shoes in front of her. She glanced up.
An officious-looking man in formal attire stood at near attention, carefully avoiding looking down at her. "Madam," he said stiffly. "I am afraid you cannot sun bathe here."
"But why not?" she asked. "I'm up here all by myself and I'm not bothering anyone."
The man cleared his throat uncomfortably, "Madam, you are sunbathing on the glass roof of the restaurant."
Burt had a problem with oversleeping and was always late for work. His boss theatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So burt went to his doctor, who gave him a pill to take before he went to bed.
Burt slept incrediably well; in fact he woke up early and got to work ten minutes ahead of time. "Boss," he said, "that pill the doctor gave me really worked!"
"That's great," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"
A man at a construction site was bragging about how strong he was and making fun of an elderly workman.
"Oh ya," the older man said. "I bet I can carry something across the yard in a wheelbarrow that you can't wheel back."
"You've got a bet," the bragger replied.
The older man grabbed a wheelbarrow and said, "All right, get in."
In an interview, General Norman Schwartzkof was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer: "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."
What Do Retired People Do All Day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went shopping in town. I was only in the store 5 minutes but when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senion citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket, so I called him a jerk. He glared at me and began writing another ticket for having worn tires. Then I called him an idiot. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first, then he started writing a third ticket.
went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I'd come into town by
bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
We don't have any money for food," the man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other man he stated, "You come with us too."
The second man said, in a pleading voice, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"
Upon his death, Mr. Jonas Meredith willed $20,000 each to his priest, doctor and lawyer with the instructions that they were to use the money to shower his coffin during his burial. The three men agreed and one week later found themselves solemnly standing beside Mr. Meredith's grave watching the casket being lowered into it. Once it was in and after all the formal words of passing had been said, one by one they stepped forward and gently tossed in a paper sack full of money.
As they walked away they cast one last look over their shoulders at the grave. With a sigh, the doctor turned to the others and said, "I have to confess that I've been having a lot of financial troubles with my practice and as a consequence kept $5,000 of Mr. Meredith's money to help bail me out."
The priest placed a reassuring hand on the doctor's shoulder and said, "I'm glad you said that. It makes it easier for me to tell you that to help the orphanage connected with my church I was forced to keep $10,000 of Mr. Meredith's money."
The two men turned questioning eyes to the lawyer, who only stared indignantly at them. "Gentlemen," he said drawing himself up. "I can't believe what I'm hearing. I'll have you know that in the paper sack I placed on the coffin was my personal check for the entire $20,000."
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant...
Two female military privates were ordered to paint the general's office. They were warned not to get paint on their unifirms so they locked the door, stripped off their clothes and got to work.
An hour later there was a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" they asked.
Thinking nothing of it, the women opened the door.
"Hi," said the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
One Bright Bulb
Disgusted at his troop's poor performance on the parade field one morning, their drill sergeant yelled at them, "All you idiots, fall out!"
As the squad dispersed, one soldier remained at attention.
The sergeant stalked over and glared at him with an eyebrow raised questioningly.
The private smiled. "Sure was a lot of them, huh, sir?"
Oh, To Be Six Again
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife as she turned back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have.
"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. He dragged her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster ... everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal, with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto bed.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?"
As she opened her red eyes her expression suddenly soured. "I meant my dress size, you maniac!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's going to get it wrong.
"Thank You" letter to Tide
Dear Makers of Tide Detergent:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! Last month I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband belittled me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle of Tide with added bleach, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, they came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer a suspect in my husband's disappearance. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go! I also have to write a thank you letter to the Hefty bag people.
Fast Track to Heaven
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled, Now, back off or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago"
An Irishman late for an important meeting is frantically driving through town looking for a parking spot. Finally in desperation he leans out of the window and looks to the heavens. "Lord," he yells. "If you'll just make a parking spot appear I promise to go to mass every week for the rest of my life and give up Irish whiskey."
Suddenly he spots a parking spot just ahead of him.
He leans back out of the window. "Never mind, I found one myself."
CEO Takes Charge!
A large flywheel company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he decided it was time to let everyone know that he meant business.
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' severance pay, now get out and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A circus owner walked into a bar to see people crowded around a table. On the table was an upside down tin cup with a small duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $1000 for the duck and it's cup.
Three days later the irate circus owner returned to the bar to confront the man who sold him the duck. "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the cup before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!".
"Ah!" the duck seller said, "did you remember to light the candle under the cup?"
Two men dressed in pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of a large passanger jet. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes and a moment later the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for a sign that this is just a practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane begins to roll forward and quickly accelerates down the tarmack. Suddenly, the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax, laughing sheepishly, and soon retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob. One of these days they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
How do you tell the different between road kills involving a cat or a lawyer?
There are skid marks in front of the cat.
Farmer John headed out one warm summer afternoon with a bucket to collect fresh peaches. After picking his way through the orchard, he heard splashing down by his pond. Intrigued, he strolled over and discovered six beautiful young ladies skinny-dipping in it. He smiled and leaned against a tree, waiting for them to get out.
One of the girls spotted him and yelled, "It's no use waiting. We're not getting out until you leave." Upon which all the girls laughed at him.
Farmer John just kept smiling and watching.
Eventually one of the girls asked: "What do you have in the pail?"
He held the bucket up. "Oh this? I just came down to feed the crocodiles."
A taxi driver gets what he deserves
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home and offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Who should he see out there, at the very end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me sexual favors on the way?"
"What! Get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman said, "Okay," and off they went.
As they slowly drove past the long line of cabs, the business man gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Subject: Can one be too honest?
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. She turns to her husband and says, "You know, I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my stomach hangs, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby. Could you tell me something positive to make me feel good about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and says, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
4. The Italians drink large amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
The Cookie Crumbles!
As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death's agony was suddenly pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were high mounds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil? He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand.
"Stay out of those!" she said. "They're for the funeral."
Two hunters and a bear
Two hunters were working their way through a forest when suddenly a huge angry grizzly bear rose up in front of them.
"Run!" one man yelled as he turned and fled.
The bear charged after them, catching up quickly.
"It's hopeless," the second man screamed. "You can't outrun a bear!"
The first man answered back, "I don't have to. All I have to do is outrun you!"
Bad news and worse news!
Doctor McWilliams called his close friend Sam Bingsly: "Sam, I'm afraid I've bad news and worse news for you."
"Let me have it straight, doc."
The tests came back and it's bad, you only have one day to live."
"One day! My god, if that's the bad news what's the worse news?"
"I tried calling to tell you this yesterday."
Have you ever noticed that when The and IRS are combined, they spell THEIRS?
A young man was walking across campus when he saw a fellow engineering student pushing a new bicycle. He stopped and asked where he got it.
"You won't believe it," the student with the bike exclaimed. "Half an hour a ago a beautiful blonde riding this bike stopped in front of me, threw it down, took off all her clothes and threw them in a pile at her feet, then asked me to choose what I wanted. I took the bicycle."
The first student nodded sagely. "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't fit."
I'll never forget that horrible evening I took my grandfather to the emergency room. After an hour of waiting the doctor came in and said: "Sir, I'm afraid I have bad news. Your grandfather is on artificial life support. His heart's still beating but his brain is dead."
I said: "Oh my gosh, we've never had a Democrat in the family before."
Larry wants to get into a nightclub, but the bouncer says: "Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place."
Larry goes back to his truck and rummages around, but can't find a tie.
Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says: "Well, OK, I guess you can come in, just don't start anything."
Best Break-Up line
An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend, in which she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up with him, and she wanted back the photo of herself she had given him.
So the Ranger did what any squared-away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected photos of as many beautiful women as he could find. He then mailed them to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I'm sorry, I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."
John was a likable young man, but a little slow. One day Farmer Williams saw him dragging a chain behind him. "Say there, John," he asked. "Why are you dragging that chain?"
"Are you kidding?" John answered. "Have you ever tried pushing one of these things?"
A young wife wandered into a business men's accessory shop to look for her husband's birthday present. With a whimsical smile, she selected a pair of gold cufflinks with "Ctrl" and "Esc" engraved on them just like on a computer keyboard. As she paid, the cashier looked the cufflinks and smiled at her. "Control and Escape: what every husband dreams of and never has."
A guide was leading a tour group through Carlsbad Caverns. He stopped and asked if the group would like to see what a cave was really like. They said "yes" so he quickly turned out all the lights.
A very attractive red head walked up to a dress boutique's manager and asked him if she could try on the dress in the window. He smiled and said, "By all means! It might attract business!"
True Story: Mirror Kissing
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
One day a wealthy man gathered a world famous-physicist, a renown mathematician and an ordinary engineer and challenged them to solve a puzzle. He placed them in a room with a beautiful blonde laying in a bed. The millionaire said that the trick to getting to her was that each man could only travel half of the distance from where he stood to the bed with each step. The first step would take one of them half way there, the second to the three-quarter position, the third seven-eighths, and so on. He then dared them to try and reach the blonde.
The physicist took two steps, each shorter than the last, shook his head realizing that he could never get all the way there, turned and stalked out of the room.
The mathematician took one step, scratched his head thoughtfully, then left, grumbling.
The engineer, with a mind more attuned to practical solutions, took two steps, said, "close enough, " and jumped into the bed.
During the French revolution, a long line of people were waiting their turn at the guillotine. An engineer was three people back in the line. The first person took his place with his head face down on the chopping block, the blade was lifted, released, and jammed just before it severed his head. The guards said, "You are spared by an act of God. Go free and be well." Rejoicing, the man ran off. The second man took his place but to prove his faith in God, asked to be placed face up so that he could watch the blade. The guards laughed but did as he asked. The blade went up, was released, and as before jammed before injuring the intended victim. "Go in peace," the guard said. "God has spared your life." The man said a prayer of thanks and humbly walked away. The engineer assumed his place and like the previous man asked to be positioned face up. The guards shook their heads, but followed his last wish. The engineer watched carefully as the blade went up, was released, and for the third time jammed inches from his neck. The guard started to proclaim the engineer free but before he could be released the engineer said, "Wait... I think I see what the problem is."
Arabs in Space
The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."
President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi. "It's because it takes place in the future..."
A man was sitting quietly watching television when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a newspaper.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
The man began perspiring, then quickly explained, "OH that! Uh... well, two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet.
When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"
She replied "Your horse called."
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me if you weren't in prison.
Shortly, the old man received this telegram, "FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was, "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you at this time."
Chicken Gun (a true story)
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
(You're going to love this:)
responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. You know, the kind that changes color to reflect mood changes.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
The Doctor and the Mechanic
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix' em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work? The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and said..... "Try doing it with the engine running."
The Marine Versus the Air Force
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.' He sat up all night watching me."
This is a paraphrased statement that someone told me Dennis Miller said on his HBO show regarding the judge who declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:
"So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says 'Under God'. I assume then that means that when you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated, 'So Help Me God' that also makes your job unconstitutional. Therefore, you have no authority to make any legal decisions so your ruling is worthless."
Stranded on an Island
A man was stranded on a desert island. One day a beautiful woman in scuba gear and a wet suit swims up to him. The man is dumbfounded as she removes her equipment and asks him how long it has been since he has had a cigarette. The man replies: "Not in all the months that I have been stranded here". The beautiful woman unzips a pocket in her wet suit and produces a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and gives them to the man.
In a few minutes, she asks: "How long has it been since you have had a drink"? The man replies: "Not in all the months that I have been stranded here." The beautiful woman unzips another pocket and produces a bottle of fine bourbon and gives it to the man.
In a few more minutes, she asks: "How long has it been since you played around?" and she slowly starts unzipping the suit. The man in amazement asks: "You mean you have a bag of golf clubs in there too?"
A Man Takes A Weekend Off!
A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade about his behavior. Finally, she stopped nagging and demanded: "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied: "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. By Thursday the swelling had gone down just enough to where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
True Suicide Forensics Case
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." The fact that Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net; caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."
When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention of murdering her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he as guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt)
True Medical Stories:
A man ran into the ER and yelled, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered that the man had fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
A butcher is busy at work when he notices a dog in his shop. He walks over and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, "May I please have a pound of sausages?"
The butcher looks at the dog and notices a ten dollar bill tucked under its collar. He takes the money, puts the sausages in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
The dog walks down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The butcher's eyes go round as the dog comes to a bus stop, examines a timetable, checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door.
A big burly man opens the door and starts yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
"He's not so clever," the man says. "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Wife Buys a Bird
After many years of marriage, Grace's husband turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to her and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. She was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and Grace was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, she saw this big, ugly bird with a beak powerful enough to crack a coconut.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces! Next, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"
The Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" Grace said. "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
The Politics of Cows:
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
In his speech, Bush Calls Iraq, Iran and North Korea "Axis of Evil" - N.Y.Times, 30/1/02
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the Axis of Evil, Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the Axis of Just as Evil, which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Are Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.
"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
Man meets woman
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but he lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He instinctively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry." the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens. After she pays for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The man is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said." You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every man you meet?"
"No," she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye."
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief but takes a loan form out of her drawer. "May I please have your name?"
The frog puffs himself up proudly. "Kermit Jagger, my dad is Mick Jagger and I'm a friend of the bank manager."
Pattie's eyes widen, but she continues filling in the application. "Mr. Jagger, you will need to secure the loan with some collateral."
"I have this," the frog says and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Pattie blinks at the elephant several times. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to consult with the manager on this." She takes the elephant and disappears into a back office.
Pattie walks up to the manager. "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "What in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her with a straight face. "It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping
After resolving a long and difficult case, Holmes and Watson decide to escape the trappings of London for some camping in the countryside. After leaving the city by train and hiking for miles, they find a likely spot and set up their tent. The long day, hike, and a warm meal makes them sleepy so they wearily crawl into the tent and immediately drop off to sleep.
Later that night, Watson is awakened by Holmes' insistent nudging. "Watson," Holmes says. "Look!"
Watson looks up and his eyes widen at the glorious spectacle of millions of brilliant stars glistening against the black of space. "My God, Holmes. It's glorious! And to think that around each of those stars there might be planets with life. Perhaps on one of them there are another Holmes and Watson looking back at us."
Holmes' voice tightens with exasperation. "Not that, Watson! Someone's stolen the tent!"
Two Alabamba hunters were walking through the woods when one of them suddenly clutched his chest and fell to the ground. The other man rushed to his side and discovered that the man wasn't breathing and had no pulse. He quickly dialed 911 on his cell phone. "You have to help me, " he yelled when the operator answered. "My friend's not breathing. I think he may be dead."
The operator responded calmly. "Don't worry. I'm going to help you. The first this we need to do is make sure that he's dead."
There was a pause, then the operator heard a gun being fired. The hunter came back on the phone. "Okay, what's next."
The Hills on Vacation (This one will make you wince as if you'd bitten into a lemon. Read on at your own risk... you have been warned.)
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe, as it happens in Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him." Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master, "Master, Master! . . . The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Why is it that in the USA, New Jersey has more toxic dumps per capita than any other state and California has more lawyers? New Jersey got first choice.
This chain letter was started in the hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men like myself.
Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then simply bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears on the top of the following list and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women... one of whom is bound to be better than the one you already have.
At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine has received 184 women, of whom four were actually worth keeping.
REMEMBER, this chain brings luck! One man's pit bull died and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! (please.)
One man broke the chain and got his own wife back!
Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below and remember, the higher you are on the list the more women you will receive.
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004
W. J. Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004
W. Jefferson Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004
William J. Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004
Slick Willie Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004
Mr. Hillary Clinton
1460 Chatham Lane
Chappaqua, NY 10004
Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were on a train together. Several minutes of the trip, the train passed through a dark tunnel and everyone heard the sound of a loud slap. When they exited the tunnel, Clinton had a big red mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."
The Bunny and the Snake
Once upon a
time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake who were both blind from birth. One day, they were working their way across the forest from opposite directions when the bunny tripped over the snake.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I too have been blind since birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither over you and figure out what you are."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur and you have really long ears. Your nose twitches and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny. "Maybe I could feel you with my paws and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy and have a forked tongue. I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or a member of upper management."
The Farmer's Mule
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. She berated him with a constant stream of insults. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, struck the wife in the head, and killed her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But, when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would smile and shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake. "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked and that her dress was pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale?'"
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in the suburbs of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. However her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.
Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the street, and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Gore?
Worried About My Reputation
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important lesson: On a cool dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach out your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force and that we must never use it to hurt others... unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
It also teaches us how an electric circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons," which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets to attract dirt. The electrons travel through your blood stream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
AMAZING ELECTRICITY FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting.
Although we modern people tend to take our electric lights, mixers, etc for granted, hundreds of years ago people didn't have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first electric pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightening storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightening was powered by the same thing as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually, he had to be given a job running the post office.
After Franklin came a herd of electrical pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been killed, implant pieces of metal to it's muscles, and watch it hop into a pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone.
But the greatest electrical pioneer of all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. His design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electric circuit: The electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets it back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.
This means that an electric company can sell customers the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.
Today, thanks to men like Franklin and Edison, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, scientists developed the laser, an electrical appliance so powerful it can vaporize a bulldozer 2,000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations on the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "vaporize bulldozer" to "delicate."
Here's an old classic:
Scientists world-wide have started using lawyers instead of rats for experiments because there are some things even a rat won't do.
A dietitian addressing a large audience in Chicago:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
One night a
father overheard his son saying his prayers: "God
bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy... Good-bye Grampa."
thought it was strange but soon forgot about it.
The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later
the father heard his son saying his prayers again: "God bless
Mommy. God bless Daddy... Good-bye Grammy."
The next day
the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting
more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks
later, he once again overheard his sons prayers: "God
Bless Mommy... Good-bye Daddy."
gave the father a heart attack. The next day he got up
early to miss the heavy traffic to work and stayed all through lunch
and dinner. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive!
When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I
had a very bad day today."
think you've had a bad day?" the wife yelled, "Our mailman
dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Did you hear
about the Irishman leaving a bar---?
It can happen.
Dog Goes to the Movies
Phillip Jones, seated in a theater, could not help being aware that the man in front of him had his arm around the neck of a large dog beside him. The dog was clearly observing the picture with understanding, for he snared softly when the villain spoke and yelped joyfully during any comical scenes.
Jones leaned forward and tapped the man on the shoulder, "I can't get over your dog's behavior."
The man turned around. "Frankly, it surprises me, too. He hated the book."
Secretary wants job; no bad habits; willing to learn.
A condemned spy was being led out at dawn to be shot. An icy-cold rain beat his face mercilessly. The spy grumbled bitterly at the soldier next to him, "What beasts you are to march me out to be shot in a rain like this."
The soldier replied with equal bitterness. "What are you complaining about? We've got to march back."
A young man went to his bank for a loan for a six-month tour of Europe. Although he'd banked there for many years, they declined him. He went to another bank with more liberal lending policies and they gave him the loan he needed, where upon he took five dollars of the loan, purchased a large wrapped fish, and put it in his safety deposit box in the first bank. He then left happily on his six-month vacation.
Colleges and insane asylums both are mental institutions in a way. But you have to show some improvement to graduate from an asylum.
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Third Grade Math Class
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "BBC, Channel 4, ITV, and the Cartoon Network!"
When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for playschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked.
"Yes, "Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his Mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
You've got to love New Yorkers-at least on this occasion! A Kentucky Fried Chicken location in New York City has a special on what they are calling the "Bucket of Hillary" (two small breasts, two large thighs and a bunch of left wings)
At the Vet's
A man went to let his old dog out one morning, but the dog didn't move. He prodded and shook the dog, but to no avail. The man took him to a veterinarian. After examining the dog the vet said, "Sir, I'm afraid your dog has passed away." The man replied, "I can't believe it. I want a second opinion."
The vet left the room and came back with a cat and placed it on the examining table with the dog. The cat proceeded to sniff the dog and walked around it several times looking at it intently. After a few minutes he jumped off the table, sat in the corner and placed his paws over his eyes. The vet said, "See, it's just as I said, your dog is gone."
The man still did not believe it and wanted another opinion. The vet then went out and returned with a Labrador Retriever. The retriever put his paws up on the table, looked at the other dog, sniffed him, and then went over with the cat and sat with his paws over his eyes. The vet placed a hand on the man's shoulder, "There can be no doubt, your dog is dead."
The man finally shook his head sadly. "I will really miss him; we've been together for a long time. Well, what do owe you?"
The vet replied, "Two hundred and eighty-five dollars."
The man was dumbfounded, "TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-FIVE DOLLARS! WHY SO MUCH?"
The vet answered, "Fifty for the office call, one hundred and twenty-five for the Cat scan, and one hundred and ten for the Lab work."
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