JOKES WITH A RELIGIOUS SLANT:
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NEW!!! Watch Out For Ducks
Three ladies unfortunately died in a car crash on their way to lunch one Sunday after church. As they approached the pearly gates, St. Peter welcomed them and said, "The most important rule to remember once you enter heaven is not to step on the ducks."
The women, happy to discover they had been granted eternity in paradise, nodded their understanding and walked through the gates, only to discover that there were ducks walking around everywhere. They tried their best to avoid them but within an hour one of the ladies accidentally stepped on one. It gave out a loud quack, where upon St. Peter instantly appeared and shackled her to the ugliest man she ever seen and said, "You must spend the rest of eternity chained to this man."
Later the same day the second lady also had the misfortune of stepping on a duck. Again, its plaintive quack summoned St. Peter who chained her for all time to a man even uglier than the first.
The third lady, determined to avoid the first two lady's fates, watched every step she took to avoid any ducks. By barely raising her feet, she discovered she could move about without worry. Several months went by and she successfully avoided every duck that came her way. Then one day St. Peter appeared out of nowhere and chained her to an man who's ugliness defied all description. Before she could complain, St. Peter vanished.
Confused, she turned to the man and asked, "Why was I chained to you?"
The man shrugged, "I have no idea. All I did was step on a duck."
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister...
A priest, rabbi and minister went fishing in a boat on a lake. The priest said that he was thirsty, stood up, stepped out of the boat and walked across the water to shore where he purchased a can of soda. After he returned in the same manner the minister thought the soda was a good idea so he also stepped out of the boat and walked on the water to shore for a soda. After he returned the rabbbi decided to follow their exampled. He took one step out of the boat and promptly sank out of sight.
The priest turned to the minister. "I guess we should have told him where the rocks were."
Farm Animals have their standards
A Rabbi, Hindu priest and tele-evangelist are driving through the country when their car breaks down. They walk to a farmhouse and ask the farmer if they can have shelter for the night. He says yes but explains that there is only room enough in the house for two of them, someone will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu priest says he will do it and walks out to the barn. A few minutes later there is a knock at the farmhouse door. The farmer opens it and the Hindu is standing there. He explains that there is a cow in the barn and because cows are holy to him he can't sleep in its presence.
The Rabbi hears this and states that he will gladly take his place and leaves. A few minutes later he too returns explaining that there is a pig in the barn and his religion prohibits him from associating with what they consider an unclean animal.
The tele-evangelist says that he'll go sleep in the barn and leaves. A few minutes later there's a knock at the door. The farmer opens it and sees the cow and the pig...
Kids in church
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" the boy asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms.Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replied, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook"
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
The Pope takes the wheel!
While visiting the United States, the Pope is riding in the back of a limo when he gets an idea. "Mind if I take the wheel for awhile?" he asks.
"Sure," the driver says and they switch positions.
The Pope starts driving: ignoring the speed limit, dodging left and right without signaling and cutting people off.
A policeman pulls him over and when the Pope rolls down the window the cop stops dead in his tracks then rushes back car to report in to the station. "Chief," he exclaims. "I just pulled over someone real important."
"Who?" the police chief asks. "A senator?"
"No. Much more important."
"Who's higher than that?" the police chief demands.
"I don't know," the policeman says. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
A Little Girl in a Storm
A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up and it started to thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Although it hadn't begun to rain, thunder and lightning began cutting through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile. When the mother's car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"
The child answered, "I stop and smile because God keeps taking my picture."
A Cat's Heaven!
A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all these years. Anything you desire, all you have to do is ask."
The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. The cat settles down onto it and falls asleep purring.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our life we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. They wheel away, delighted
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier, and those meals on wheels you've been sending over are great."
A Catholic sent me this one!
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be telling you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
Tommy grinned. "Three month's vacation and five good leads!"
At the Pearly Gates
A man appears before the pearly gates and St. Peter asks, "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked over his bike, ripped out his nose ring, threw it on the ground, and told him, "Leave her alone or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
To that the man replied, "Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
WELCOME TO THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN (A little long but the punch line's worth it.)
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would come into effect at noon the following day.
The next day at 12:01 p.m. the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted the 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later another guy came. "Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died," said the angel.
"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine when all of the sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fall, I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move, in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later a third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," says the angel.
"Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."
The Physics of Hell"
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the volume of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year: "It will be a cold day in Hell before I give you my number," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in acquiring her number, then 2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A".
Humorous Mistakes Children Make While Praying:
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"
One and Two-Liners:
How do you get
You boil the Hell out of it.
A diagnostic is someone who doesn't believe in two gods.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Make God laugh - plan for the future.
I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
And on the 8th day God said, OK Murphy, you take over.
If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: "Let's see the evolutionists try to figure this one out."
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
If you freeze to death and end up in hell... wouldn't you be really comfortable at some point along the way?
Confession without repentance is just bragging. - Rev. Eugene Bolton
They think, therefore I am. - God
Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date back a little, just to be funny.
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
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